WEEKEND PAROLE

AH! a weekend off. PAROLE! Our first day in the sun after months of torture!
DECENT FOOD! after months of "Airline-leftovers", REAL PEOPLE, instead of freezer- wrapped sour pusses and A KING SIZE BED! Oh the HUMANITY!!!!!!
I pulled up in the (now-sorta new) Escort. I opened the hatch and there was Bob, Wrapped in his Teflon sandwich with a broad smile on his face and armed with a shiny new transfer board. At that very moment, it hit me," How the hell was I gonna get him, a six foot and one inch tall,220 pound ,stiff as a board, man, into a teeny tiny two door ford escort hatchback! I had this God-Awful vision of Bob wedged into the doorway and having to ride the 45 minutes to Nashua, New Hampshire, with his feet clunking away on the pavement and his head and arms wedged in the window to prevent the door from falling off.
I vaguely remember having said something silly (early on) like" I will stick with you no matter what",and "I will be there, no matter what happens". Silly me, (l thought).
I rolled Bob up close to the car and placed the transfer board under his leg as I had always been instructed to do. The trick was to pull Bob across the board and dump him into the seat, then lift his legs into the car, close the door, and drive off into the glorious sunset.
NOT SO EASY in real life.
The body brace prevented Bob from helping in ANY WAY. Sliding him across the board was easy enough, until he got to the car door. BOB- TALL, Door small.........Bob can't bend from the neck down. Got a picture in your mind yet? OK I will fill in the blanks.
We figured, if Bob tucked his chin, and I ran around the car, and climbed across the seat, I could grab his belt and force his butt in through the door and the law of "Lauren Physics" would kick in!
This "Lauren Law"(of physics) is that generally, if something doesn't work, if something doesn't fit, if is something is totally uncooperative, beat on it, yank it or fold it. If it was meant to survive-It would, If it doesn't survive-it wasn't worth it anyway!
Regardless, I followed our plan. Bob got as far as wedging his butt in the doorway and his head tucked the best he could.
The one minor detail that was forgotten (by both of us) was that little, minor detail, called "Body must Breath".
The entire time that I was running around the car, opening the door and "Carefully" climbing in.( short dress-big ass),Bob was unable to breathe. Being unable to breathe, means one is unable to speak, if one can't speak, one can't advise those around him that he CAN"T BREATHE!!!!!!
When I finally noticed that his face was sort of matching his jeans (quite "Martha Stewart" actually) Light Dawned over Marblehead! I grabbed his belt and gave one hell of a yank. It was like trying to pull and elephant through a keyhole. All the while waiting for the proverbial "pop"!
He made it in the door.
We now had an audience gathered on the sidewalk staring in what I chose to believe was "AWE". It was only later, that I found it wasn't awe at all, it was pure unadulterated HORROR!
That was the day I first discovered that I "abused" crips. All can say is that I am fortunate that those nurses haven't followed us around for the rest of our lives.
We did learn a valuable lesson, however, "It is not easy to shove an elephant through a key-hole"!
The ride back to Nashua was wonderful. We laughed a lot, breathed many sighs of relief and experienced a mutual silence that we could feel together, you know, like an "letter hug". It was perfect..........
Have you ever had one of those moments in your life-just when all things were "Bright and Beautiful" then in a flash-The seagull shits on your shoulder, and you're screwed from then on. These describe the feelings that permeated (again) the both of us when I pulled into the parking lot of the apartment building.
In all of our conversations, all of our laments, all of our daydreams, neither one of us thought about the 8 steps down to the "Garden Apartment". In case one is not familiar, wheelchairs, new crips, and stairs do not mix. this is a scientific fact. This is not a theory. I can prove it!
We both just sat there looking .It was not even possible to toss him through the window, as they were all 5 feet off the floor and not large enough for the Teflon tuxedo with Bob enclosed to even roll through never mind shove through. Bob (bless him in a pinch) said "let's go to the fire station and see if there is anyone that can help." Off we went.
Upon arrival, it dawned on me that I couldn't send Bob in to explain. It was too difficult to surgically remove him from the car then stuff him back in. I had to go in and prove to the entire fire department that I was TRULY BLONDE.
Bless them, they were kind, and surprisingly understanding. There were three guys on duty. Two of them were strapping young lads. Never underestimate the bravery and brains that hide behind the brawn. They followed us over to the apartment, plucked Bob out of the car and carried him down the stairs as easily as I carry a bag of groceries. .
As they were leaving, they offered to help Bob get out for dinners, groceries etc.
once or twice a day. My God, they were wonderful! We accepted the offer and that was that.
Bob immediately got on the phone to the apartment complex and explained.
They, too, were wonderful. The office manager said she would call back, she had a plan.
Later that day she called back and advised Bob that the owners of this complex also owned an apartment complex in Nashua. They had arranged (if acceptable to Bob) for a ground LEVEL apartment and offered to put in the proper grab bars and ramp in the porch so we could enter from the parking lot, through the sliding glass doors easily.
Trust me, this was agreed to almost before she finished the last sentence!
Nashua wasn't that far from Salem and actually was an easier trip to University Rehab(I certainly use the term loosely).
The transition to the new apartment would take two weeks, so we had time to get a mover and figure out if they would let Bob out on "parole" again.
Just what we needed, another adventure!